


Until We Crumble

by m0rkl



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Blood, Character Death, Gore, Multi, Post War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2017-01-10
Packaged: 2018-08-28 03:35:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 14,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8430277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/m0rkl/pseuds/m0rkl
Summary: Lenalee missed the end of the war. She awoke as the Heart and helped bring an end to everything, but she was unconscious for all of it. Everything feels incomplete. Now she just wants to find her missing friends.





	1. Awaken

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not sure how often I'll update, but the full story has been outlined so hopefully that means it'll get finished! Hope you enjoy~

           Lenalee missed the end of the war. She resented that for a thousand different reasons, but what she hated most was how distant everyone felt. She had missed one of the most defining moments in their lives.

        But the thing is, she was there. She was there for the final battle, she just doesn't remember any of it. It happened around a month after Kanda had reappeared. Lenalee had been walking down the hall to her brother's office when she began to feel odd. The sensation was familiar. It was the same feeling she got during the level 3 fight when she had pushed her innocence too far. Her legs felt numb and she was suddenly terrified. Was she becoming a fallen? Why? What had she done to deserve this? Was her innocence punishing her for letting Kanda go? She asked her innocence ‘why?’ and then fell unconscious.

        When she woke up, she was genuinely surprised. Komui greeted her with a tear filled smile, but the first thing she asked broke his heart.

        "Why am I still alive?" She regretted that those were the first words her brother had heard from her. His face fell and the bright relief behind his eyes faded away. She just couldn't fathom why she was still here. But then Komui explained it all. Lenalee had awoken as the Heart. The Heart took on its own consciousness, using Lenalee's body as its vessel. Later, she read hundreds of pages of records about it all. The Heart had been in control for over six months. Her body had not been her own for six months. At least she had been unconscious. It had fought alongside the remaining exorcists to defeat the Earl and the Noah. The innocence formed around her like full body armor. She almost laughed at the sketch. It looked like the first level 3 they fought so long ago.

        Part of her wanted to know who had written these records, but she knew better than to ask. It wasn't a Bookman's record. The words were too emotional. There was too much bias. Too many details were still missing. This wasn't Lavi's penmanship. Still, from it she was filled in on much of what she had missed. According to a file entitled ‘The End of the Millennium Earl’, Allen Walker had somehow broken the 14th Noah’s control and become the new Earl. He had made a sort of pact with the Heart, promising to destroy both innocence and dark matter for good. Both ceased to exist in this world. After reading that, Lenalee suddenly realized why everything had felt so empty. There were no more Noah, no more akuma, and no more exorcists. All of it was gone.

        And so many people were gone too, either dead or missing. The Order’s halls felt cold and empty with so few people to occupy it. Lenalee forced herself to read through the reports of who lived and who had died. Of those who had once been exorcists, only three were known to be alive. That number included herself. Lenalee Lee, General Klaud Nyne and General Winters Sokkalo were the only former accommodators that could be documented as surviving the final battle. Some people had died not long after she awoke as the Heart. Timothy died on a mission. They had been spread too thin and the boy was the only exorcist on the mission. He and the party of ten finders died fighting two level four akuma. Chaoji died from the Noah pathogen that had been inside his body. Neither of them had lasted more than a month after the Heart took over.

        Among those who died during the final battle were Ayrstar Krory, Noise Marie, Miranda Lotto and Froi Tiedoll. Reading through the files made her mouth run dry. At this point, she hadn’t the tears to cry every time she read about the death of her comrades.

 _____________________________________________

_“Noise!” Miranda cried, dashing over to the heavily bleeding man. He was barely conscious and blood had already soaked the ground beneath him. There was an odd stillness on the battlefield. Something was happening, but Miranda couldn’t bring herself to care. “No! No! You can’t die!” She made no attempt to contain her sobs, but immediately activated her innocence, containing Marie and herself in a shield of green light._

_Time began to reverse itself, returning the spilled blood to Marie’s body and healing shattered bones and crushed organs. Miranda could feel it all happening and started to sob harder. The exorcist was covered in dirt, dust and her own blood, but she didn’t care. What happened to her didn’t matter. She just needed Marie to be alright. After all, they had just gotten engaged. She hadn’t even the chance to think about her wedding gown yet._

_“Mir...Miranda?” Marie coughed hoarsely as his injuries continued to reverse._

_“Y-you’re going to be fine Noise I promise!” She choked out. Her gloved hands were trembling around the black disk of her Innocence. “We’ll jus-just need someone to find us and they’ll take us back to headquarters and everything will be fine.” With each word, her voice rose in pitch. It was just as much of an attempt to convince Marie as it was to convince herself._

_But she knew it was useless. She knew her powers were useless at this point. However, she just couldn’t stop lying to her fiancé, or to herself. Miranda was desperate to believe that everything would be fine, so she blocked out the horrifying truth. It took only a few more movements before both of their injuries were completely reverse. Marie sat up, grateful for the woman’s ability to give him reprieve from the pain._

_“Will you be alright to stay activated until we can get help?” After rising to his feet, the exorcist helped Miranda up._

_“O-oh, yes... I should be able to.” Nodded the woman. Without a word, Marie scooped her up in his arms and began walking in the direction of where he could hear people. “Noise! I-I... I can walk on my-my own just fine! ” Unseen by her fiancé, Miranda flushed bright red. “You don’t need—“_

_“I know I don’t need to.” He smiled softly. “But I’d like to hold you while I still can.” A small squeak slipped from Miranda’s mouth. She was too flustered to get a word out, but she didn’t make any attempt to leave the man’s strong arms. Instead, she rested her head on his chest and listened to the beating of his heart._

_Abruptly, Marie stopped walking. Something in the air felt wrong. It was too still and too quiet. Miranda looked up at Marie with concern, but before she could say anything, a sickening crack pierced the air. Time Record had broken down the middle and the innocence glow suddenly cut out. They both gasped, unable to give any other reaction. The black disk shattered into razor sharp obsidian shards and Miranda could suddenly feel herself falling. Marie’s body crumpled, blood spurting from his rapidly appearing wounds. Rivulets of blood started to drip down Miranda’s forehead, but she didn’t notice. The two crashed to the ground as Miranda cried out._

_“Noise! Noise!” Deep down knew he was already dead, but she couldn’t stop herself from scrambling off the man’s broad chest to try and shake him awake. Her gloves were soaked in blood and she was crying too hard to see, but she cradled the man’s face in her hands, pleading to someone, anyone for help. Why had her innocence broken? She wondered. Had it given up on her? Was she not worthy of it any longer? What had she done wrong this time?_

_Her wails went unheard even as the rest of the battlefield fell silent. Without explanation, Miranda found herself for the first time since she became an exorcist, entirely alone. She hadn’t known what else had been going on. She hadn’t known that the Millennium Earl and the Heart had just agreed to destroy each other, ridding the world of both innocence and dark matter. She didn’t know that the war was over._

_But to her, everything was over anyways._

_Later, the couple would be found on the edge of the battlefield. Noise Marie’s death would be reported as caused by blunt force trauma. Miranda Lotto’s death would be reported as caused by blood loss._

______________________________________________ _

        The records made Lenalee feel cold and hollow inside. She had been there for all for this and yet she wasn’t. It felt unreasonable, yet she couldn’t help but get angry. No one got their happy ending. Everyone’s life had been cut short or demolished by the war. She felt exhausted by it all, yet she couldn’t sleep.

        Between reading records and re-learning how to walk, Lenalee was beginning to grow restless. She wasn't satisfied with the way this had all come together. Sure, she was glad the fighting was done, but it had all happened without her. Once again, she felt left behind, even though physically she had been there for every second of it. The war had stolen from her again.

        But after some time, Lenalee realized she was done with self-pity. She was still angry and she still wanted more. There would be no more sitting down to 'heal'. That wasn't the closure she needed.

        Many of her friends still hadn't returned. No one knew if they were dead, or alive and just trying not to be found. But Lenalee was smart. She was smarter than people ever gave her credit for. Far too often, she was outshined by her male teammates. She got overlooked and left out just for being a woman, but Lenalee was so much more than people believed. Because she was a girl, nothing she ever did would be good enough. If she got emotional, she was a crybaby. If she got angry, she was a bitch. If she showed her power, she was just looking for attention. Being a woman, people viewed her as useless and pathetic, but she was far from that.

        Now, she was on her own. Alone, she scanned the records for details. She read and reread every bit of information and did her own research until finally she knew where she had to go.

        Six months after waking up, she was walking on her own, almost in fighting shape again. The young woman strode into her brother's office, duffle bag packed and her mind set.

        "Gege." There wasn't much to be said. Komui knew she had been planning this and there was nothing short of chaining her down that he could do to stop her.

        "Your train leaves in less than twenty minutes, shouldn't you be going?" The scientist didn't look up from his papers, but Lenalee could see the tears dropping onto his documents. With a heavy sigh, she came around to the other side of the desk and hugged her brother tightly.

        "I'll be back, you know that, right?" She could feel his shoulders shake a bit before he returned the embrace. It wasn't unreasonable for him to react this way. When the Heart took over, no one knew if they would get her back. Komui hadn't known if his precious sister would ever return, but just as he got her back, she was leaving again. Lenalee let go and made her way to the door. "Well, gege... I'm off."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So in my head, everyone has aged during the series so for this, when the Heart awoken Lena was 21 and when she left to find the guys she’s 22. I’ll go over everyone else’s age as they appear.


	2. Findings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lenalee finder the boys, but this wasn't what she was expecting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeee I'm always so nervous posting this... I hope you all are enjoying it ^^'

 

        When she stepped out into the station, the warm, early fall air blew gently through her hair. It had grown quite long again, but she didn’t feel like pigtails suited her anymore so she left it down. The sensation of wind on her scalp was calm and refreshing. It was a nice town, but she had quite a ways to go before she would reach her destination. A carriage took her to another small town, where she spent the night at an inn. Feeling sleepless, she stayed up helping the elderly wife of the innkeeper. They baked bread as Lenalee asked questions about the types of travelers that come through. In the morning, she left with a loaf of warm rye and a short story about three young men traveling with their grandfather.

        It wasn't the first time since she woke that she wished for Dark Boots, but the innocence was no more. Being an average human would take some getting used to. In her lightweight black shoes, she walked to the next town.

        Fall had begun to turn the trees a dark shade of orange, though the grass was still a vibrant green against the dark rich earth. Dogs barked in the distance. As she entered the village, she could feel eyes on her. It was probably uncommon for a Chinese girl to pass through this small European town. Lenalee regretted not learning more Danish before coming out here. She could only speak the very basics and it was hardly enough to get around. But after quite a bit of fumbled words and pointing, she knew where she had to go. Right before the streets turned into the less inhabited area, there was small bakery.

        Before she even opened the door, the scent of pastries and bread filled the air. A bell jingled causing the man behind the counter to look up.

        "You." The voice was more spiteful that she expected. Of course, she also hadn't expected to see Howard Link. His dark eyebrows furrowed for a moment and the anger on his face turned to confusion "Wha-- Wait. Miss Lee? No wonder."

        "Link?" This wasn't whom she had expected when the woman had told her about three men.

        "What, don't pretend like you didn't come here looking for us." He huffed, untying his apron. "I'm sorry for my initial rudeness I thought you were still..."     

        "The Heart." She finished for him. Link nodded as he took something from behind the counter.

        "No uniform. I suspect the Order hasn’t sent you?" She shook her head and followed Link to a wood table when he motioned her to sit. He set down a plate of raspberry rugelach. "Then, you came to find your comrades." She nodded. Lenalee wondered when she became so quiet. "And you're by yourself?" Again she nodded. It seemed to be enough for Link. He pushed the plate towards her.

        "Well?" The girl picked up a cookie and felt the hardened sugar on top. "Are they here?" As if on cue, someone opened and shut the door.

        "I've got more eggs!" Johnny came bounding in, a bag in his arms. "Should I put-- H-heart?!" The scientist stuttered and nearly tripped. Luckily, the man caught himself with one hand and held onto the eggs with the other.

        "No, it's me." Her voice was enough to tell them that the Heart was no longer in control. The Heart never spoke aloud.

        Link took the eggs back into the kitchen and returned to baking but, Johnny scrambled over to hug the girl. He cried noisily, babbling on about how he had missed her and how he was so scared that she would never return. Lenalee was glad to see him too, she really was, but to be honest, this wasn't at all who she had been expecting to see. When the woman told her about the men, she had mentioned a pretty Asian man, an excitable redhead, a polite one who helped her in the kitchen and an old man. She had visualized Kanda, Lavi, Allen and Bookman. But the redhead was actually Johnny and the polite one was probably Link. Then the old man? A feeling of dread filled her stomach. She shoved one of Link's cookies in her mouth in hopes of quelling the sensation. The bright flavor of raspberry and the sweet pastry was delicious, but she felt like crying.

        Dogs barked outside, startling her from her thoughts. The bell jangled as the front door opened and shut. Two dogs trotted in followed by Kanda and another mangy one that stuck close to his feet. Kanda always loved dogs, she remembered.

        "Thought that was you." His gruff voice was a great relief to her. At least one of the people she had been expecting was here. "Three separate people asked if you were my sister. Two asked if you were my wife. It’s like no one here has ever seen an Asian person. Can’t tell the damn difference between Japanese and Chinese." She laughed. It was almost a year since they had last spoken and now he was here acting like they hadn't spent a day apart.  

        "Kanda! Get them out! How many times do I have to tell you not to let them in the shop front during business hours?" Link snapped, pointing a batter coated spoon in his direction. With a vague grunt, he pushed past them, the dogs at his heels.

        For a moment, there was no sound save for the clicking of paws on wood floor. Lenalee buried her face in her hands. She had prepared so much for this and yet nothing had gone the way she thought it would. A warm hand touched her shoulder. She looked up to see Johnny smiling sadly at her.

        "The war is over Lenalee. We've tried our best to move on." He slid into the seat next to her and took one of Link's cookies from the plate. "It hasn't been easy, but I'm sure you know that." They stared at each other for moment before Johnny looked away awkwardly.

        "Where is he?" Her voice came out high and and pinched. She had forgotten how hard she was trying not to cry. Johnny and Link shared a look that Lenalee couldn't quite read. "Is he...?"

No one answered her. The silence was suffocating.

        "What're you idiots doing, leaving her hanging like this?" At some point Kanda had reentered, but she hadn't noticed. "C'mon." He nodded at the back door for Lenalee to follow, but Link stood in their way.

        "Is that really a good idea?" He looked at Kanda with a burning intensity. It reminded her a little of how Allen and Kanda used to look when they were really trying to press each other’s buttons.

        "What? You think she can't handle it?"

        "Can _he_ handle it?" Link's hissed words were almost too faint to hear.

        "Please, he’s a fucking cockroach. If you really think he’s that fragile then you’re stupider than I thought." Kanda glared daggers that the blonde man. It was hostile in a familiar way, but it wasn’t the same as how she remembered Kanda and Allen fighting. The longer they stood in the hallway, the more nervous Lenalee became. She thought had prepared herself for the worst. She had prepared to find Lavi tortured out of his mind by the Noah. She expected to see her boys with their bodies broken by the war. She expected someone to be dead. But she hadn't expected to see a family that had formed without her. They communicated with just a look. They moved around each other with comfort and ease. They had secrets that she knew nothing of. They had a home. Somehow, she hadn't prepared for them to completely move on and leave the Order behind.

        "Just let me see him." Lenalee locked eyes with Link’s for a moment. She didn't know what he was searching for in her face, but whatever it was, he had found it. Link closed his eyes and sighed before opening the back door. However, before he could go through, Kanda spoke up.

        “Wait.” He pushed past the both of them and looked at Link. “I’ll take her. Go make some chocolate cake.” The two men glared at each other a moment before Kanda motioned for Lenalee to follow him. ‘You’ve changed’, she wanted to say, but the words wouldn’t come.

        The back door led to a wide flight of stairs. Next to it was a wheelchair with a black sweater slung over the armrest. The remnants of the cookie she had eaten suddenly felt bitter and dry in the back of her throat. They moved to the next floor in silence. Lenalee’s legs felt so light without her innocence. She was hyper aware of every step she took up the stairs, the way the ball of her foot pressed into her shoe and how her thigh came up as she climbed. The second floor appeared to be a small apartment where the boys lived. There were four doors, three of which were closed and the fourth she presumed to be the bathroom.

        Kanda signaled for her to stay put for a moment, then opened the first door. She could hear him murmuring to someone, but the words were too soft to be understood. With each passing second, the sharp feeling of dread grew stronger.

        “Come in.” The former swordsman said from inside the room. She almost backed out. A part of her wanted to run away and never face the reality she knew was coming, but she entered anyways.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ages-
> 
> Kanda- 24  
> Allen- 21  
> Link- 25  
> Johnny- 31… oh okay wow Johnny is a lot older than I thought???


	3. Their Wishes

        The window glowed with the bright light of the afternoon. Shelves lined the walls, each one filled with books. Allen had never been much for reading before, but maybe he had taken it up since Lenalee had last seen him. But the contents of the room weren’t important right now. What was important was the young man sitting in bed with a book in his lap, his white hair pulled into a shoulder length braid. The left side of his face was wrapped in clean bandages, and his left sleeve hung empty at his side.

        “Lenalee.” Allen beamed. Sunlight illuminated his face, just as bright and brilliant as she remembered it to be. It seemed, however, as though almost everything else about him had changed. There was an unhealthy sharpness to his face. He looked thin and pale, shadows of sleeplessness under his eyes. His oversized grey shirt didn’t help to hide the fact that he looked very small and fragile. She could see his prominent collarbones from the neck of his shirt. A thick, hand made quilt was pulled over his legs, concealing the lower half of his body. Frail was never a word she expected to associate with Allen, but at the moment, he looked just that. And yet he still smiled like everything in the world was just right. Just like he used to. “It’s good to see you again. We were worried about you.”

        “Yes, I was...” Trailing off, Lenalee stared at her hands. She never knew how she felt about awakening as the Heart. Perhaps it was a good thing, since the Heart was probably key to ending the war--she refused to say that they won. But it left her feeling hollow to know that everything had happened without her.

        “I’m just so glad you’re alright.” He put aside his book and gestured for her to come closer. “We weren’t sure if you would ever wake up. I’m sorry we weren’t there when you did.”

        “No, no I couldn’t have expected you to. Not after everything.” The words tumbled out, feeling uncertain and rushed. It had been so long since she had last spoken to him and their last words had been a tearful, panicked goodbye, at least on her part. It felt awkward being around them all again.

She hated feeling like an outsider to some of the people she once called family. Looking at Allen now, she could tell how fake his smile was. Perhaps when they had first met it would have fooled her. But after everything they’d been through, she was actually offended that he thought she would fall for this shallow smile. This was his smile for strangers. “Allen.” Lenalee forced herself to at least sound composed. “I read the records, but I know they’re only part of the story. I want to know what happened.”

        The floor creaked behind her and she suddenly remembered that Kanda was in the room too. Allen glanced at him and maybe the two men exchanged expressions, but Lenalee couldn’t tell. Nodding slowly, Allen gave a weary exhale.

        “Sure, but let’s move downstairs, shall we?” Flicking the covers back, Allen slid his bare feet onto the floor. For a moment, he just sat there. He looked like he had to prepare himself before he pushed off the bed to stand, but once up, it was almost like he was back to how he was before. He still had the posture of a warrior. She noticed that he’d grown a bit more, standing about a half a head taller than Lenalee. Now he and Kanda were almost the same height. Said swordsman turned sharply, exiting the room before them, then stalked down the hall into his own room.

        Lenalee stuck close to Allen’s side as they made for the stairs. The silence between them was agonizing. She never would have thought this would be so awkward. They descended slowly. Allen gripped the railing with one shaking hand, but otherwise made no indication that he needed help. Had it been about anyone else, she would have offered assistance, but she knew it would only embarrass Allen, even if it was only the two of them.

        “You’ve seen Johnny and Link then?” He asked, clearly just wanting to fill the stagnant air.

        “Oh... yeah.” Leanalee nodded. It was unbeleivable awkward and she almost wished she had never gotten the idea to come and find them. She hated this.

        “Allen!” As soon as they entered the kitchen, Link dropped what he was doing to approach the young man. “Has your fever gone down?” Allen grimaced, clearly annoyed with the fact that Link had brought it up in front of Lenalee.

        “I’m fine, Link.” He groaned. The two men stared each other down a moment, before Link huffed and returned to the kitchen.

        “You had a fever?” She asked before following him to sit at the table with Johnny.

        “Yes, but like I said, I’m fine.” His words were a bit sharper than she had expected.

        “Link can be a bit of a mother hen, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” Johnny interjected. “Anytime Allen gets a runny nose, Link is there with tissues and tea.”

        “Don’t be ridiculous!” The blond man squawked, a faint blush coming over his cheeks.

        “What about you, though?” Allen redirected the conversation. That had always been a talent of his, Lenalee recalled. “When did you wake up?”

        “A few months ago.” It was best not to press him about personal things quite yet. Lenalee felt like she was going to have to start over with getting Allen to trust her again. It wouldn’t be easy. “I’m honestly in disbelief about it all still…. I still can’t believe I was the Heart.”

        “I wasn’t surprised.” There was a gentle smile on Allen’s face. His expression was warm like it used to be during the rare moments of peace before everything went to hell. “Out of all of us, you seemed like the most... well free of sin. Whatever that truly means. And there was everything with how your innocence protected you during your first fight with the level 3. I think I always had a feeling you would be the Heart.”

        “Really?” She was genuinely shocked. Sure, the thought of being the Heart had crossed her mind before, but she always thought it would end up being someone else. Someone who was just… more than her.

        “Sure, but of course they do say hindsight vision is always twenty twenty.” A chuckle escaped his lips, but it was weary. He seemed too tired to really try. “I honestly didn’t know what I was expecting when the Heart did awaken, though”

        “I don’t think anyone did.”

\----

    _Allen bolted forward. The only reason he could still run was because Clown Belt was wrapped tightly around his legs, forcing the motions. It was painful and he was bleeding from too many places, but he couldn’t stop. Not now. Not with Neah thrashing at the back of his head fighting for control. If he stopped for even a second, he felt as though the Noah would force his way out and it would all be over. But it couldn’t be over yet. Not when he finally knew what to do._

_A huge shudder threw off his balance, threatening to throw him to the ground. The Heart had arrived. Allen heard it land hard on the battlefield before he saw the blood red armored body crouched over a dark form. As he neared, he recognised the bright blonde and black hair of Jasdevi, though it was stained with blood. One of the Heart’s sharp crimson heels pierced through the Noah’s eye. Blood ran down their face and pooled around their head. They were dead._

_The Heart looked up at him, faceless in it’s armor. It was in that moment that Allen realized what the Heart really was. He tried to see Lenalee through the shiny, dark red, but the only things he could recognize was the  distinct shape of Dark Boots. The Heart was not Lenalee. It was not a human. It did not care about the destruction it caused. All it cared about was defeating dark matter and protecting innocence. Protecting itself._

_Perhaps it wanted to protect humans lives. Perhaps it didn't want the world to end, but he couldn’t tell. All it seemed to be focused on was destroying every bit of dark matter in its path without regard for the life it resided in. Allen wanted to scream. He wanted to cry and bash his head against something. The Heart, the symbol of purity, hope and everything good in this world, was just another weapon. It had turned Lenalee, his friend, into a puppet. Just like him-- a mad puppet to this war. He should have known. He should have seen this coming because nothing about this war could ever be good or pure. Nothing was black or white. It was always gray, he knew that much. So why did he think the Heart could be anything different?_

_But then he thought about Lenalee. What has her ultimate wish? Didn’t she for her precious friends and family to be safe, even at the expense of others? A wish of such pure human selfishness. Allen understood it completely. His wish was just as stupidly selfish and human._

_The Destroyer of Time exhaled slowly then gazed up at the Heart. It stood there, tall and menacing as it glistened in the cold sun. If he wanted this war to end, he had to accept the Heart. There was only one way to bring it all to a close and to do that, he needed the Heart’s cooperation._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeee sorry these chapters seem to be getting shorter and shorter....
> 
> But also thank you so much for the comments! Seriously they make me so happy and keep me motivated to continue writing <3
> 
> I didn't realized people would see the end of the last chapter as a cliffhanger lol I'm glad tho
> 
> Hopefully I can stick to these weekly updates~


	4. On the Town

            Lenalee watched Allen scratch just under the edge of the bandages that covered his face. She caught a glimpse of a scar, dark pink and set deeply into his skin. Their eyes met for a brief moment, but she had to look away. She knew Allen would read the look on her face as pity, even if that wasn’t how she intended to look. This was all so messed up. What did she really expect by coming here anyways? She had found them all, now what?

            “So…” She said, entirely of unsure of what she would say next. Link was watching them warily as he prepared tea. The former CROW was incredibly vigilant over Allen, but it was different from how it had been when he was just monitoring Allen. Now, there was the smallest hint of fear in his mostly stoic face. She wondered what he was afraid of. “The Order… what’s left of us… They don’t know you’re alive.”

            “Well, we didn’t give much of a goodbye.” Allen laughed airily. “And I’m not sure if I can speak for all of us, but I think it best that I remain unaccounted for in their records.” His eye drifted to Johnny who sat staring at the table uncomfortably.

            “I don’t intend to ask you to go back or anything like that… But, Komui.” She looked up at Allen, but he wouldn’t make eye contact with her. “You know not much slips past him. He’ll know I’ve lied if I say I didn’t find you.”

            “Komui… I suppose it’s fine if he knows. You’re brother was always good at keeping things quiet when they needed to be...” He sighed, brushing his hand through his bangs. They fell just above his eyes in the front, but came down longer on the sides, like they had when Komui’s hair growth serum had fallen on him. She wondered why he decided to grow it out since it was presumably very hard for him to braid his hair with only had one arm.

            They sat in silence for a moment before Lenalee spoke up. “Leviller… he’s dead you know.” If that man wasn’t around there was less of a threat to Allen if he wanted to go there. Still, she knew there was many people who harbored resentment towards Allen. “Apparently, he was executed for crimes of war, by order of the Vatican. I wasn’t awake yet, but I read the file.” She suddenly remembered Allen too was supposed to be on trial for crimes of war. Perhaps she would bring that up later. It wasn’t as though he had any desire to return to the Order anyways so there was no point in worrying him. “There isn’t much left to the Black Order anymore. Without innocence or akuma, there’s really no point.”

            “That’s fine by me, honestly. No more suffering in the name of that damned war. I don’t really have any concerns about the Order so long as no one comes searching for us.” Lenalee felt a stab in her chest. Of course they had wanted to be left alone. But she had come after them, forcing them to face memories they were trying so hard to get past. The pain in her heart must have reached her face because Allen shook his head suddenly. “Oh, no Lenalee. You know I don’t mean you. If it’s only you I’m glad you came. It’s good to know that you’re...” Awake. Alive. No longer the Heart. “Okay.”

            “Right.” His reassurance wasn’t enough to calm the sharp pains in her chest. She was beginning to regret coming, but at the same time she knew if she hadn’t found them, she would never be able to rest.

            “I really am happy to see you, Lenalee.” The smile he gave her smile a little more genuine this time, but still forced. Not because he didn’t mean his words, but because he seemed just so very tired. “Please believe me. You’re precious family too.”

            “I’m happy you’re here too, you know!” Johnny piped in. “And Kanda, despite how he acts. You know as well as any of us that’s just how he is.”

            “Of course.” Nodded Lenalee, though she wasn’t sure how much she really believed it. The front door opened and a young woman walked in.

            “God eftermiddag, Aileen!” Johnny grinned and waved a the sandy haired woman. He and Allen exchanged a few words with her in Danish, before she bought a loaf of bread from Link and went on her way.

            “Why don’t we take a walk around town?” Allen offered, knowing that people would be coming in and out since dinner time would be in a few hours.

            “That’s a good idea. Some air would be nice.” Lenalee said, giving a tight smile.

            “I’ll grab your shoes!” Jumping from his seat Johnny dashed for the stairs.

            “No, that’s all right! I can--” But the man had already disappeared to the upper level. “Ah, he’s so energetic, sometimes it’s hard to believe he’s the oldest of us.” Chuckled Allen. Johnny returned quickly with a pair of warm looking socks and black boots for Allen. He put them on and they were ready to go.           

            “Ehem.” Link’s voice stopped them before the door. “You’re forgetting something.” The three turned around to see the frowning German man standing there with a hat and scarf, not unlike a scolding mother.

            “It’s not even that cold, Link.” Groaned Allen, knowing they were both intended for him. He grabbed the brown knit cap to cover his hair, but ignored the dark green scarf.

            "I will not stand for you catching a cold. You’re dreadful to deal with.”

            “That’s mean, Link! I’m not that terrible when I’m sick.” He sighed dramatically as he pulled on the cap and tucked his braid into it.

            “You’re _dreadful_.” Link repeated.

            “I supposed I must really be dreadful then, hm?” Allen’s silver eye twinkled momentarily.

            “W-what, that isn’t... what--” He growled in irritation. Allen puffed out a laugh and took the scarf. “That makes no sense. I swear, Allen.”

            “You call him Allen now.” Lenalee realized. They all looked at her, blinking owlishly for a moment before emotion crept up their faces. Link and Allen were both a little red with embarrassment, though Link more so than Allen, and Johnny was smiling like he knew a secret.

            “Out! Out! All of you!” Link cried before anyone else could get in a word. “I prepared tea and you’re not even going to stick around to drink it? The nerve of you all! You’re just distracting me from my work! Get out” The three scrambled out the door and nearly jumped as it slammed behind them. Johnny couldn’t contain himself and began laughing with his hands on his knees.

            “Oh, the look on your faces!” He sputtered, shoving his glasses up from where the slid on his nose.

            “Shut up! Johnny, shut up!” But the former scientist wouldn’t stop laughing. It was contagious and the more she thought about the flustered look on Link’s face the harder she found it not to laugh herself. She had to clamp a hand over her mouth to prevent herself from being too loud. “I hate both of you! Honestly…” There wasn’t any bite to Allen’s words as he tried to hide his embarrassment.

            “I’m sorry, Allen but that was just too funny.” She let out a few more giggles before composing herself. “He’s complete mother hen! It’s even worse than when you were at the Order.”

            “I can’t argue there. Since…. Well since the end of the war, he’s been acting like I’m made of glass.” He trailed off and smiled softly at his feet. “C’mon, we’ll get scolded again if we stand out in front of the shop for too long.”

            So they walked down cobbled streets, pointing out the small shops and waving hello to passersby. Lenalee told them of her journey here and in turn Johnny and Allen shared bits about their new life here. They had chosen this town because Allen remembered coming here once many years ago. His master had taken them there to hide out from anybody who might have even heard of him. It was a quiet town, with not even the most distant connections to the Order and little to no nightlife; the opposite of anywhere Cross Marian was likely to be found.

            It was a good place for them. Johnny worked for the aging seamstress down the street, helping her with fittings, special occasions and occasionally selling clothes in the town over. Link owned the bakery, obviously. He specialized in pastries even if most people came in for their daily bread. Allen helped there too, running the cashier and stocking things when needed.

            Kanda was the local woodsman. Lenalee couldn’t help but laugh at that. The former swordsman chopped wood for the small town and occasionally hunted. It was a good job for him. Everyday he chopped wood and brought it into town. For the most part, he didn’t have to talk to anyone and was done for the day by noon.

            “That suits him.” Chuckled Lenalee, walking in between Allen and Johnny.

            “It does, honestly.” Lenalee noticed the small but warm smile on Johnny’s face when he talked about Kanda. She didn’t think she had ever seen anyone talk about Kanda with that sort of look on their face. “And it gives him plenty of time with his dogs!” Johnny turned to her with a big grin.

            “Ugh, the dogs…” Allen groaned, rolling his head back for dramatic effect. “Don’t get me wrong, I like animals, but Kanda has an entire pack of dogs!”

            “The ones he came in with? That’s hardly a pack.” Lenalee thought back to when the former swordsman came into the bakery, three dogs at his feet.

            “Those are just the ones allowed inside! The rest hang around town and behind the shop.” Allen made an exasperated. “Eight, Lenalee. He had eight dogs.”

            “Somehow I’m not surprised.” She chuckled, scratching her cheek.

            “You knew he was like this then?” Sighing, Allen tugged gently at his scarf.

            “Yeah.” Nodded Lenalee, her long hair whipping around her as the wind picked up. “He always loved dogs and wanted to pet them when we saw them on missions, especially when we were really young. He has definitely gone out of his way to save dogs from getting hurt during fights, more so than he has people.” They all laughed at that, imagining the fearsome Kanda running off in the middle of a fight to save a stray dog.

            “They follow him around as though he’s the alpha…. and Nigentou hates me!” Allen rolled his head back and groaned.

            “Nigen doesn’t hate you, he just wants to eat your hair.” Johnny snorted, pushing his glasses up on his nose.

            “He wants to eat my entire head!” He argued and gestured to his head dramatically.

            “Kanda named a dog, Nigentou? Like his attack?”

            “They’re all named after attacks. The three inside dogs are Ichigen, Hakka Tourou and Shouka. Then the others are Sangenshiki, Yongenshiki, Gogenshiki, Nigentou, and Ressensou.” Johnny listed them off, putting up a finger for each. She wasn’t as much of a dog person as Kanda was, but she was certainly excited to meet all of the puppies. Knowing Kanda, they would probably be a mixed bag of mangy wolf like things, but likely sweeter than they looked.

            “Those names are….” Lenalee trailed off, stifling a laugh.

            “Long? Pretentious? Absolutely ridiculous?” Supplied Allen in a deadpan voice.

            “Those are their full names, but we hardly call them by them. It’s not so bad.” Johnny began to explain. “Like Ressensou we just call Sen and Hakka Tourou is just Hakka.”

            “Sounds like you spend an awful lot of time with Kanda’s dogs, Johnny.” The girl smiled, imagining the scientist playing with a whole pack of dogs. It was nice to hear about such domestic things.           

            “He spends an awful lot of time with _Kanda_.” Allen grinned and held in a laugh.

            “Oh? _Oh._ ” Lenalee gasped with a huge smile.

            “I-I do not! Thats…!” This time around it was Johnny who was blushing and Allen who burst out laughing. However, it was short lived as the white haired man’s laughs turned to dry coughs. “Allen!” Johnny put his hand on Allen’s back, rubbing big circles.

            “I’m fine.” He attempted a grin and shrugged off the hand on his back.

            “Are you sick?” Lenalee thought back to Link mentioning a fever and her brows furrowed with concern.

            “I said I was fine.” He didn’t look at the girl, but instead fixed his cap, making sure his braid was still tucked in. Her eyes softened as she tried not to take the sharpness in his tone to heart. Had he been this cold before? Or was he untrusting of her now after everything with the Heart? Regardless something was going on with Allen and clearly he didn’t want to talk about it. She’d have to find out from someone else.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need to learn how to write in chapters and not just write one long thing then try and pick where to cut it...
> 
> Anyways I hope you enjoyed! Comments are always appreciated <3


	5. Jealousy

            The walk home was quiet and awkward. All three of them attempted to fill the silence with small talk, but the mood had been broken. It didn’t help that after Allen’s first coughing fit, he continued to cough occasionally and clear his throat as though illness had suddenly struck him. Lenalee noticed now that he was shivering, even though it wasn’t that cold out. She now understood Link’s insistence on a scarf. Allen was terribly thin and obviously not well, but she didn’t dare ask what was wrong. She’d have to ask Link later.

            “We’re back!” Allen sang as they came in the front door, his earlier cheer back at full force. The bakery smelled delightful. She couldn’t help but smile as she spotted a bowl full of chocolate frosting in Link’s arms. Chocolate cake, like Kanda had said.

            “It’s about time.” Huffed Link. “It’s about to get dark.”

            “Hardly. There’s still another half hour of daylight I’d say.” Allen shrugged, removing his scarf and hat before pattering into the kitchen to warm himself by the oven.

            “So it’s about to get dark.” Link reiterated, glaring daggers at Allen as he passed.

            “Oh, calm down. We’ve fought a war, I’m sure we could handle a little sun set, Link.” Lenalee sighed as she sank into a chair. The blonde man ‘hmph’d in response, earning a chuckle from the rest of them.

            “I need to finish some work before dinner so I will you call me down when you set the table?” Johnny asked as he headed towards the back. Allen simply nodded in response

            “What are you working on?” Lenalee asked, knowing Johnny was always working on something fashionable.

            “Bridesmaids dresses actually!” He nearly jumped with excitement. “They’re this gorgeous emerald color, would you like to see?”

            “I’d love to!” Lenalee replied and got up to follow the man upstairs.

            “I’ll fetch you both before I set the table, alright?” Allen called as they bound up the stairs.

            “I’m really happy with how these dresses are turning out Lenalee. The seamstress I work with is doing the bride’s gown and I took on the six bridesmaid's dressed” Johnny was beaming and he lead her to his room. Just as she suspected, it was littered with dresses and thread. The room was no smaller than Allen’s, but it seemed that way as there was hardly any space that wasn’t occupied by fabric or sewing supplies. “They’re all tea length and off the shoulder, but each one is made to suit each bridesmaid, like how I used to customize everyone’s uniforms.”

            Johnny talked on and on about the dresses. They truly were amazing. Lenalee had always admired how Johnny could make everyone’s uniforms suit them in every way possible, from the fit to the style to the functionality. He always knew just what they needed. She wondered if he really knew how important he had been to the Order. Sure, they could have gotten another tailor, but no one was quite like Johnny. No one else knew how to make everything just right so that no one had to worry about wardrobe in times of war. Too often, clothing was something they overlooked because of the threats looming over them. They didn’t really have the time to worry about it.

            “Do you think…” She began, feeling a soft grey fabric between her fingers. “Do you think that you might have the time to make a dress for me?” She only had a few items of clothing really. At the Order, she mainly wore her uniform, but she had no reason to anymore.

            “Of course!” Johnny’s eyes lit up and he lunged forward to grasp Lenalee’s hands. “I would love to make you a dress! I haven’t made anything for you in ages! Let me take your measurements, you might have grown a bit since I last made you a uniform.”

            Johnny pulled his measuring tools out of the mess and began taking her measurements.  She felt a little nostalgic, remembering all the times they had done this before, Johnny working around her to get everything he needed to make her uniform. The first time Johnny made her a uniform, she was ten years old. Johnny had just been transferred from the North American branch on a promotion.

___________________________

_“You’ll stay in the room, right gege?” Lenalee clung to her brother’s jacket sleeve as the walked down the hall._

_“Of course, meimei. I’m right here.” The scientist smiled softly at his little sister, patting her head._

_“Okay…” She sighed, keeping her gaze down. Recently, there had been several new additions to the science team, one of them being a tailor. She had yet to meet him, but now it was time to get her uniform fitted. New people always made her nervous despite the fact that people rarely stayed in the Order long. Save for exorcists, people were always coming and going. People were always dying and leaving her alone. She glanced up at her brother and managed a smile. Even if so many people left her alone, at least she had her brother._

_“Here we are.” They stopped in front of a door. It was slightly open, just enough for Lenalee to peer inside and get a look at a room filled with fabrics and materials. It was a mess. Suddenly the door swung open, revealing a frazzled looking young man with his arms full of papers and folders._

_“You’re here!” He exclaimed. “Come in! Come in! You must be Lenalee, Komui’s told me all about you!” Throwing the papers onto an already cluttered desk, the man shoved his glasses up on his face and came to greet the pair. Lenalee shivered and pulled herself closer to Komui._

_“I’m sorry, Johnny, she’s a little shy sometimes.” Komui said, putting a hand on Lenalee’s small shoulder. “Come on, meimei. He just needs to take your measurements. I’ll be here the whole time.”_

_“Sorry, I got a little ahead of myself.” Johnny chuckled awkwardly and scratched at his bright curly hair. “Miss Lenalee, would it be alright if I had you come stand on this block and take your measurements?” The girl nodded and looked up at her brother for approval before walking up to block. “When we’re done I’ll also want to ask you about what you might like for your uniform. I have the standard design, but I’ll need you to tell me what sort of things I should add to suit your needs. A pair of short or a skirt would be more suitable to your fighting style, wouldn’t it?”_

_No one had ever asked her that before. Everytime she had been given uniforms before, they had been the same long coat and pants that every exorcist wore. Lenalee looked at the warm smile on Johnny’s face and couldn’t help but smile a little herself. After she nodded, Johnny started taking her measurements, talking her through every step._

_Perhaps she could gain a new friend in this excitable tailor. She hoped he wouldn’t die too quickly like so many did._

____________

            “You didn’t bring much with you I noticed. Do you have many other clothes?” Johnny asked, not bothering to look up from the sketch pad he had gotten to draft some designs.

            “Oh…” Lenalee thought to the small suitcase that the author failed to mention she had brought along. “No, I only had a few items of clothing aside from my uniform.”

            “Then I’ll be making things!” He said enthusiastically. “You… will be staying for a while, right?”

            “I--” She began, but was interrupted by Kanda standing at the door with his dogs at his feet.

            “Dinner.” Was all he said before disappearing from the doorway, the sounds of clicking paws following.

            “Let’s talk about it with everyone, why don’t we?” She said nervously before standing and straightening out her skirt.

            They arrived downstairs just as Link was turning around the sign on the door indicating that they were closed for the evening. One table was set for four, a basket of bread in the middle. The chocolate cake Link had baked was cooling on the counter, just waiting to be frosted.

            “Where did Allen go?” She asked as she realized the lack of the white haired man’s presence. Link and Johnny exchanged looks, but it was Kanda who responded, coming in this time without the dogs.

            “Che. Idiot got a headache. He’s gotta rest like some delicate maiden.” Lenalee stared at him a moment, but didn’t dare ask if Allen was alright. It was clear by now that he wasn’t. Would they tell her what was wrong if she asked?

            “Sit down. It’s time to eat.” Commanded Link. She didn’t know how the man managed to still act like he was giving battle directives while wearing a chocolate stained apron. They sat at the table in silence as Link served them a rich looking stew. It smelled heavenly.

            Kanda was the first to reach for the bread basket, tearing off a chunk before dipping it in his stew. The air was tense, but Lenalee reached for the bread too. It was warm on her fingers and smelled fresh.

            No one spoke, but she and Johnny kept exchanging looks as though they were waiting for the other to spark conversation. Allen’s absence seemed to suck the air out of the room, making everything somewhat unsettling.

            “So…” She began. Suddenly all eyes were on her and she lost whatever dry bit of conversation she was about to attempt. Swallowing thickly, she reached for the water Link had set out for them all, but couldn’t bring herself to drink any.

            “You were saying that you might like to stay?” Offered Johnny. She gave him and brief nod and exhaled with slight relief.

            “Yes. I think…” Tearing apart a piece of bread she stared into the stew as if it might help her find the words to say.

            “I’d like to stay... if you’ll allow me.”

            “Yes!” Johnny placed his hands on the tabled and nodded fervently. “I’d love to have you around, Lenalee and I know Allen would too.”

            “It won’t make you feel any better.” Kanda’s sudden words caused Johnny’s smile to shrink. “You being here, it’s not like it’s going to change anything… for you or us.”

            “I can’t just leave knowing... knowing that you’re all here. Alive. You can’t expect me to just leave! You’re not going to leave me behind again! I won’t let you!” It’s only then that she realized she was yelling. She hadn’t intended to get this emotional about staying. “Not after everything… You know that was my one fear, to be left behind by everyone.” Tears dripped from her chin and hit the table. Besides her brother, there was nothing left for her at the Order but bad memories. Staying there wouldn’t be moving on. She wanted to continue living, just they they all had. Her quiet sniffling filled the room for a moment before Link spoke up.

            “You may take my room.” Link stared at her, unfazed.

            “Oh no, Link that’s not what I--”

            “It’s fine, he’ll just move into the moyashi’s room.” Kanda said, his gaze not straying from his dinner.

            “Kanda!” Link choked and Johnny snorted.

            “Tch. You spend all your time there or in the kitchen anyways. You’re practically his wife.”

            “Excuse me?!” Link’s face flushed a deep red and Lenalee couldn’t help but laugh loudly The words had practically sapped the tension from the room. Her laugh drew the attention of all three men, but Link cleared his throat in an attempt to move on. “Anyways… It would be improper for a lady to not have her own space. I’ll move into Allen’s room. It will probably be best for the coming winter anyways.” Something about that phrase bothered the girl. It sounded unsettling.

            “I’m sure you’ll be able to keep him nice and warm at night.” Grinned Johnny, his face bright and knowing.

            “Quiet the both of you!” There was a sharp glint of satisfaction in Kanda’s eyes, despite his stoic face and Johnny just laughed. Link grumbled to himself and rose from the table. Attempting to busy himself the man strode into the kitchen and began fussing with his things. “Johnny’s room has all of his sewing equipment and Kanda has the dogs. I have the least amount of personal items and half of the books on Allen’s shelves are mine anyways… But I’ll have to speak to him about it first.”

            “Oh, I’m positive he won’t mi--” Johnny started, but a dish towel was thrown at his face from across the room. Standing at the counter was Link, who seemed to be fed up with the teasing.

            “I’m going to see if he’s awake.” He stormed off, leaving Lenalee and Johnny with vague smiles on their face.

            “So _are_ they together?” Lenalee asked as soon as Link began up the stairs.

            “No. Not openly at least, but they’ve been unbearable.” Sighed Johnny loudly. “You saw them before. It’s obvious that they have something, but I think they’re both a bit frightened by it. Neither one will admit to anything.”

            “I guess that’s understandable.” She pushed at her bowl distractedly. “They’ve both been through a lot.” Kanda stood from the table, evidently done with his meal, and took his plates into the kitchen.

            “We’re all having difficulty adjusting. Allen more than any of us I think. He’s never really had a stable life from the sounds of it. I think he’s mostly bored.” A small smile tugged at Johnny’s lips. “I’m hoping they’ll at least try to have a chance at happiness while they can.”

            ‘While they can.’ Lenalee repeated in her mind. It was finally time to talk about this. It had been hanging in the air above them since she saw Allen. She opened her mouth to speak when Kanda interrupted her.

            “It’s time to feed the dogs.” He stood near the door with a large bag in one arm. Lenalee looked at him then to Johnny and realized Kanda was expecting the other man to join him. For a moment, Johnny hesitated, but he turned his gaze to Kanda and saw his expectant look.

            “Right, Lenalee, would you like to meet the others?” He asked, giving a smile that was only a little bit forced. She nodded and followed the two men out the door and around back.

            Lenalee was actually a bit shocked, but her face lit up at the sight of eight wild, yet well kept looking dogs all swarming around Johnny and Kanda’s feet. The former swordsman held the food bag high above his head as several off the dogs jumped and bark at him in playful attempts to get at it. One scruffy grey dog came right up to Lenalee and began sniffing her. Bending down to pat it’s fluffy head, the dog began nipping at her long dark hair. She yelped and stepped back but that didn’t stop the dog from going after her still.

            “Nigen! Down.” Kanda’s voice boomed over the sound of excited dogs. The dog immediately stopped jumping and turned momentarily to stare at Kanda, then looked back up at Lenalee as though he were disappointed.

            “He loves long hair.” Chuckled Johnny. He had picked up a smaller black and brown dog who was missing most of it’s right ear. “That’s Nigen, the one Allen was talking about.” Lenalee kneeled down to pet the dog, scratching behind his floppy ears. The dog wagged it’s tail at her a moment before snapping around to the sound of Kanda filling two food bins.

            “Sit!” He commanded and all but one one big wolf-ish looking dog obeyed. Kanda’s eyes narrowed at the big dog who trotted around the group like he was taunting him. Lenalee swore she heard the swordsman growl. “Sen. Sit.” He commanded again and the dog plopped down with a defiant ‘hpmh’. “Good boy.” The dogs stayed like that, though obviously a bit antsy, until Kanda joined the other two and gave them a short, “Go.” Then they dove for the bins, making a mess, but seeming happy enough.

            The three of them watched the dogs in comfortable silence. Darkness had come down of the over the small town, there was a street light on a little ways away. Lenalee looked over with the intention of saying something to Johnny, but she noticed the way the shorter man’s shoulder just barely touched Kanda’s folded arms. She smiled and turned her gaze down. It was nice to see her friends finding happiness, but she couldn't help but feel a little… jealous.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep putting off them talking about Allen, I know... but it will happen soon! I swear! 
> 
> Also everyone is gay and Lena is wondering why she can't find a nice girlfriend
> 
> thanks again for the comments <3


	6. It's a Promise

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ooooh boy I'm sorry for the delay on this chapter. I've been super busy with finals and stuff... also I'm lazy. But yeah, coming up soon after this there's gonna be a little time skip and thing'll get a little more into plot and whatnot~

 

_She knew where she was. It was pitch black, but she knew. The air was familiar and there was a tightness on her arms indicating they were tied above her head. But she was no longer a child. It was too late for her to run away now._

_“Had we known you were the Heart, we would have trained you better.” A voice traveled around her. She knew this man. She hated him. “Perhaps we could have forced its awakening sooner. We could have ended his war sooner.” His voice was vile and sticky, clinging to her mind. She felt dirty. “Then so many people wouldn’t have died. If the Heart had woken up sooner, so many would have been saved.”_

_She wanted to tell him to shut up. She wanted to scream and thrash against those bindings, but she couldn’t. She couldn’t move. Her legs hurt and her arms were going numb. Everything was dark and frightening. She wasn’t a little girl anymore, but she felt just as scared and vulnerable as she did all those years ago._

_“Why couldn’t you have left us be?” This voice was different, but she knew it all the same. It was bright, yet cold like fresh snow. Soft and biting. “You had to come back, dragging the past along with you. I just wanted to go in peace.”_

_“You belong to the Order.” The first voice returned without warning. She tried again to move, but her body was too heavy, her legs like lead, pulling down, down as though they might tear off. It hurt. “You’re nothing but a vessel. A weapon. Like him.”_

_“You’re nothing like me.” The voice like snow, like crystals of ice, came close to her ear. She could almost feel his breath. It wasn’t warm, but it wasn’t cold either. It was stale air, worse than the breath of someone alive or dead. “You don’t know how I suffered. You didn’t have to see the faces of everyone you ever loved turn from you!” The voice was his, but the words weren’t. It was confusing. She didn’t want to believe the words were his, but…_

_“You could have saved so many people, if only the Heart had awoken sooner.”  The bitterness in his tone made her skin crawl. That man was like the bile burning in her chest and throat. Why couldn’t she get rid of him? “The Heart would have been useful. Instead we had to carry you for so many years.”_

_“I carried this burden alone.”_

_We tried to help you. She wanted to say, but her voice was trapped somewhere inside her. Lost in the darkness._

_“I was all alone. For so long.” It hurt to hear him say such thing, but the sadness didn’t even sound sincere. “Do you think if you had known that you were the Heart, I might not have been so alone?”_

_She didn’t know. She didn’t know what his life, or anyone else’s would have been like without the war. This war was all she knew._

_“You don’t know me.” He was so loud. It was too dark. Why was his voice so loud? “You never knew me!” Her ears felt like they were bleeding. “You thought you were my friend, but you don’t know a thing about me. Why are you even here?!”_

_“Why are you still here?!”_

_____________

            Lenalee woke to a pillow soaked with tears. Panic shot through her before she remembered the previous day’s events and why she was waking up in an unfamiliar bed. Putting a hand to her chest, she felt her heart racing, reminding her she was still alive.

            She checked the clock at the bedside. Four in the morning. The clock belonged to Link, but he insisted it stay in the room. There was a clock in Allen’s room after all.  

            She wiped the pools of tears off her eyes with her fingertips, but her lashes still felt heavy with moisture. Sweat drenched her back, feeling icy as she sat up in bed. Her legs buzzed with restlessness. There would be no getting back to sleep after this. Swinging her legs off the bed, she recalled Allen having to steady himself before pushing to stand. It was cold in the room. Was the whole house this cold in before the sun rose?

            She shivered and pulled a sweater from her suitcase. The only pajamas she had were her pink shorts and nightshirt, but Johnny had promised her a pair of warmer ones for the coming winter. She pulled on the sweater as she descended the stairs. Someone was already in the kitchen. She could hear the rhythmic pounding of dough and the soft hum of the oven.

            “Couldn’t sleep, I take it?” Link said without looking up from his work. Lenalee observed him, an apron around his waist and flour coating him up to his elbows.

            “No… I--”

            “Sit. I’ll make you breakfast.”

            “You don’t have to--”

            “I’m a baker. It’s my job.” Knowing he would make her something regardless of what she said, Lenalee sat at a table and waited. “Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. I ensure all of the idiots in this house are properly fed.”

            “I’m sure there aren’t any problems keeping Allen properly fed.” It was a loaded question, she knew, but no one was telling her anything. Not knowing was agony. Link didn’t respond. Instead he cracked some eggs and poured them into a frying pan. When they were done, he pulled some sliced bread out of the oven and made a plate.

            “He’s gotten rather thin, I’m sure you’ve noticed.” He said, placing the plate in front of her alone with a cup of coffee.

            “Link, what’s wrong with him?” For once she was able to keep her voice even. She wouldn’t cry this time. At least she would try. “Is he--?”

            “Hm? Lena…? You up a’ready?” Johnny shuffled in, still rubbing his eyes under his big glasses. He yawned loudly as Link approached him with a steaming cup of coffee. For a moment, he stared into the cup, but after a few seconds he seemed to register what exactly he was holding and he took a sip. “Thanks…”

            “I’ve always been a bit of an early riser I think.” Shrugged the girl as Johnny joined her at the table. Silently, Link set down in front of Johnny a plate of toast and eggs identical to her own.

            “Usually I’m not up at this time since I tend to work into the night, but I want to go to the market early and get some fabric and things.” He said before shoving a piece of toast into his mouth. “Wiff you shoin ‘e?” The bread muffled his words, but Lenalee caught the jist.

            “Sure, I haven’t anything else in mind yet.” That wasn’t necessarily true. Lenalee wanted more answers today. She just had yet to figure out how she would get them. Link eyed her suspiciously, but soon returned to his work in the kitchen.

She glanced down at her breakfast and picked up a piece of toast.The crisp and buttery bread crackled pleasantly under her teeth. Link’s skills in the kitchen matched those of Jerry’s though she doubted the former CROW had the same speed or range of dishes in his repertoire. The bakery suited him. It was clean and proper, but warm and home-y all the same. Back when they first met, Lenalee had thought Link’s severe nature made his love of baking seem out of place and almost worrisome, but now it felt the other way around. This domestic setting seemed quite fitting for Link, but had she not been accustomed to his formal disposition she would have been shocked to find someone like him running the place. Being away from the Order had done him well. He seemed less stiff and just more human than before.

            “The market won’t open for another hour,” Johnny said between gulps of coffee. “but I’m going to get some work done and I can come fetch you when I’m ready to go, if that’s alright?” She nodded, picking up both of the empty plates. Johnny pattered back upstairs, a freshly filled mug of coffee in his hands.

            “You’re all so domestic now.” Lenalee gave a little laugh as she brought the plates to the sink and began to wash them.

            “Leave those, I’ll take care--”

            “Please, Link. Just let me do this.” Grabbing the sponge, she started doing the dishes, including the things Link had just put in the sink. “I feel so useless being here.” The lack of protest from the former CROW was a good enough answer for her. They both worked in silence. When she finished the dishes, she wiped down the table they were using and looked for anything else she could do. The kitchen was impeccably clean. There wasn’t much she could help with. She didn’t have a place here.

            “Go get dressed.” Link looked at her out of the corner of his eye. “I open shop soon and I don’t need rumors that we now have a scantily clad Asian woman prancing around the place.” She looked down at her night clothes and realised that they could possibly give the wrong impression. Sure they were comfortable, but the shorts were indeed very short.

            She went upstairs, stopping when she passed in front of Allen’s closed door. Even when she got close to listen, she couldn’t hear any signs of him being awake. Back before, she always remembered Allen being up early to train before Jeryy made him breakfast. But things were different now. She moved on to Link’s room, closing the door behind her. It was quiet, only the faint sounds of Johnny working across the hall.

            Lenalee got dressed, opting for some warm pants and a sweater. In the bathroom she began to fix her hair, brushing it out and pinning back the sides. She thought of Allen’s hair, now long and braided. She wanted to know why he decided to grow it out. Antia’s words from long ago came to mind. Don’t lose your hair to the war. Having short hair was far more practical in battle, but she really did prefer it long. Maybe Allen did too.

            “Lena?” Johnny knock on on the frame of the bathroom door. “The market’s just about to open. Are you ready to go?”

            “Oh! Yes, let’s go.”

            The market was just like every other one she had seen on missions to small European towns. People sold fruits and vegetables, flowers, trinkets, among other things. She and Johnny made small talk as they moved through the stands. Finally, they stopped at a big stand full of specialty fabrics. There were so many colors and patterns, all of them different textures and thicknesses.

            “God morgen, Johnny. Hvad skal du bruge i dag?” The a small woman appeared from behind the piles of fabric and began conversing with Johnny in fast Danish. Lenalee stood there awkwardly, only able to catch a word here and there. “Og hvem er denne dejlige kvinde?” Keen eyes inspected Lenalee and a grin grew on the woman’s face. “Har du endelig fundet en kone?”

            “Nej, nej, nej! Hun er en ven hjemmefra!” Johnny exclaimed, his face a little red. Lenalee had no idea what the woman had said, but she could guess from Johnny’s face that the woman had assumed there was some sort of intimate relationship between the two. She watched Johnny attempt to clarify, but the woman just laughed and continued to tease him. In the end, he bought some dark colored fabric from her along with buttons and embellishments. They wandered the market a bit longer until the sun started to warm the icy streets. It was far colder here when the sun was down, Lenalee realized.

            Johnny stopped at a stand to buy them some warm drinks and they found a bench to sit at. He knew she was going to start to ask questions. If it was just them, it might be easier for Lenalee to get some answers without the three other men trying to be evasive. She took a deep breath, readying herself for a truth she knew was coming, but still didn’t want to hear. The words caught in her throat, but if she could just work those first few up, she knew it would all come pouring out.

“Lenalee.” Johnny beat her to it. He stared at his drink, just as scared of this conversation as she was.

            “Hm?”

            “You know... He probably won’t last the winter.” She knew he would say something like that and yet she felt something inside her crack. Johnny’s head was tilted down, but she could see his glasses fog up from tears.“All those times he pushed his innocence too far... It just shortened his lifespan more and more. And having the Noah inside him didn’t help. His dark matter and innocence were constantly battling after Neah woke. It was destroying him from the inside. And when he and the Heart...” His words sped up, rising in pitch then trailed off. He exhaled shakily. “We were surprised that he even survived, you know? With both his innocence and dark matter being destroyed. But that’s Allen, right?”

            “That’s always been Allen.” She thought back to all the times the boy should have died. There were so many instances when he shouldn’t have been able to get back up. And yet he always did.

            “He pushed himself yesterday.” Johnny wiped the tears from his tired looking face. Lenalee had seen Johnny emotional plenty of times, but he was never this solemn. “I didn’t say anything because I know he hates it, but he really shouldn’t have been out in the cold for that long. I know Link wanted to stop him, but he was so excited to see you.”

            “Nothing can short of tying him down can stop Allen when he wants something.” She laughed, but it was empty. This was exhausting. Part of her knew Allen was dying, but she didn’t have proof so it wasn’t real. Even now, hearing it from Johnny, it didn’t feel real. Allen wouldn’t die. Not like this. He’d push through like he always did. Lenalee brought her drink to her lips, but didn’t drink. She just inhaled the heat and let the thoughts sink in.

             “I have a feeling he’ll stay in bed today. He has days like that, where he just won’t get up. It’s so unlike him, but he just can’t anymore.” Johnny’s fingers trembled around his drink. “We thought he was gonna get better, you know? We thought after his injuries healed, that he’d go back to normal, his appetite would return and he’d be working in the bakery, bothering Link all the time. But he didn’t.” Shivers ran through Johnny’s body. His cheeks were becoming red and blotchy from tears, but Lenalee suspected she looked about the same. She hadn’t realized just how bad things had gotten with Allen. From what she saw the day prior, things had seemed off, but she didn’t think--

            “The winter, huh?” She said, her voice feeling very fragile. “That’s all he has?” The man nodded, still not looking up. Lenalee exhaled slowly and tried summon strength in her voice “Then we’ll have to make it a good one. Right?”

            “That’s what I’ve been thinking, but the others have been so gloomy I wasn’t sure how to go about it.” Johnny smiled tiredly. “But we can try. I know Link wants Allen to be happy and deep down, Kanda does too.”

            “But, Allen. Do you think….?” Lenalee’s shoulder dropped slightly. She adjusted her hands around her drink and blinked away the remaining tears on her lashes. “Do you think he wants to be happy?”

            “Honestly?” Said Johnny, in a low flat voice. “I think he just wants it to be over already.”

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> eeeee it's been a while I know sorry
> 
> Anyways this I rewrote the end of last chapter so you may want to go back and read the last little bit... I just wasn't happy with it so yeah
> 
> This chapter is kind of just an in between moment with Link and Allen and it's pretty gay though its also pretty short eeeee sorry

            They had settled into a routine. Link would wake up before sunrise, prep the kitchen and get started on the day’s bread. At some point, Kanda would wordlessly move down to the kitchen, taking a cup of coffee from Link before going to feed his dogs. He’d walk back in, get ready for work then leave, a piece of buttered toast in hand. Once the sun was up, Link would return upstairs to wake Allen. They’d make breakfast for themselves and prepare the baked goods, getting the bakery ready for opening. Johnny would join them at irregular hours depending on if he had stayed up all night working or not. Link preferred routine. Even in his early years on the street, they lived in routine, digging for scraps in the morning, looking for work until noon, begging for leftovers until the evening then huddling together at nightfall to stave off the cold. The Order had its structure and their life at bakery had its own. When they were on the run, routine got thrown out the window. Nothing had an order, everything was about survival, constant surprises and the ability to deviate from the plan at a moment’s notice. Link watched Allen through it all and realized that the younger man had always lived this way, inconsistent and unstable. Never any solid ground to land on.

            But things were different now.

            He entered Allen’s room without knocking. The former exorcist wasn’t awake anyways. Link remembered the days when Allen was a light sleeper. He would jolt awake and the smallest sounds, but then quickly fall back into bed. Those days were long past now and Link had left and entered their currently shared room with barely a stir from Allen. That being said, there was a real problem now with getting Allen out of bed. He’d wake upon Link’s calling, but nothing more than that. There was always an argument made of Link’s short words and Allen’s muffled groans. The only thing that could reliably get the young man out of bed was the promise of a hot breakfast.

            “Wake up.” He said robotically, taking in the sprawled out man on the bed. Only hours before they had been neatly tucked against each other on the less than spacious bed, but now it was just a mess of sheets, limbs and unruly white hair. How his braid always managed to come undone in his sleep, Link would never understand. He grabbed Allen’s shoulder and shook him. “Wake up, Allen.” The young man did nothing but whine incoherently and roll away. “I’ll make a fresh batch of cinnamon rolls for you.” Allen flipped over to squint at Link with his one silver eye.

            “Is that a promise?” His muttered in a voice still low and hoarse from sleep.

“Only if you get up now to help me.” Link snorted, straightening his posture. Allen rubbed his eye and sat up a little. “You’re a mess. How many times have I told you not to sleep with that thing on?” He gestured to the bandages wrapped haphazardly around his head and left eye. “Here, let me fix it.” Sitting on the edge of the bed, Link pulled Allen into a sitting position. He untied the bandages allowing them to slip off and reveal the patch of twisted skin and scar tissue where Allen’s eye and curse mark had once been. The edges of the wide scar pulled at his smoother pale skin, distorting that side of his face like a morbid painting. He didn’t know exactly what happened, but Allen wouldn’t speak of it so he didn’t ask. There was nothing left of the eye, just a dip in the scarred skin where the socket is and some flecks of red left from his curse.

            Link knew Allen hated it. He hated thinking about this scar and all of the others that reminded him of how the war played out. Smoothing out the bandages, he began covering it up again. He knew that Allen looked at himself and was disappointed. Disappointed that he couldn’t save more people. Disappointed that his body no longer worked as it should. Disappointed that he was still alive despite so many other people dying. Link looked over Allen’s face, though he wasn’t searching for anything in particular. His eyes landed on the faint freckles over his small nose and sharp cheeks. They were barely visible, but at this close proximity he could see the larger ones dotting his pallid face like pebbles in sand.

            Allen’s silver eye was on him as well. They did this sometimes. Sitting close together in silence. Link wouldn’t describe it as nice, but it wasn’t uncomfortable either. An spot of dread found its way into Link’s stomach. He was going to have to talk to Allen about his earlier conversation with Lenalee. Allen was a master of evasion, but Link had been trained to pursue. Their gazes met briefly before Link found the intense eye contact to be too much and looked down to take Allen’s hand into his own. Allen huffed quietly through his nose and leaned forward to rest his head in the crook of Link’s neck. Things were very different these days indeed.

            “Cinnamon rolls?” Allen sat back and smiled at Link.

            “Like I said, only if you help me.” He stood, folding his arms over his chest.

            “Let’s go then!” The cheer in Allen’s voice was painfully false, but he had turned it on for Lenalee’s sake when she arrived. Link eyed him carefully as he dragged his legs over the side of the bed. The both stopped for a moment. Silence made the air feel stagnant and cold. Link could see Allen’s arm shake before he looked up at the man with a drained look in his eye and a fake little smile. “Do you think you could…”

Allen didn’t have to finish before Link helped him up and supported him for a moment while he got his footing. The first few times this had happened, Link suggested he stay in bed or offered to help his dress, but he was met with an irritated smile and some sharp words. So he would wait patiently at the door as Allen dressed himself, just like their days at the Order.

            In the kitchen, Link began rolling out the dough he made earlier. Allen was tasked with making the filling though it was a bit difficult to whisk with only one arm. Still, he’d gotten the hang of holding the bowl between his legs as he sat on a stood and whisked the sweet cinnamon mixture. He wanted to taste it, but he knew he couldn’t seeing as the majority of the batch would be to sell. These days, he could only eat many two or three as opposed to the entire sheet.

            Allen had opened his mouth to speak when a regular customer came in, taking him from his thought. He chatted a moment with the man before he paid for his pastries and went on his way. By the time he left, Link was sliding the cinnamon rolls into the oven and Allen lost the words he had meant to say. So they worked in silence, usual for them, but not completely out of the ordinary. Most of the time they bantered like they had in their days at the Order with Link scolding Allen’s behavior only to be met with sharp witty counters. But sometimes Allen was to tired, too weary for it and Link could always tell when that was the case. Allen was grateful for that. It was more difficult for him to upload a smiling mask these days.

            “She wants to stay, you know.” Link said as he placed a large cinnamon roll in from of Allen. It was still steaming and the icing was dripping down the edges. Instead of responding, he picked up the pasty and bit into it, not caring that it was far too hot and the sugary topping was getting all over his hand. “And she has speculations about you. It wouldn’t surprise me if she already guessed most of what’s going on.” He exhaled with a mouth full of hot cinnamon roll, trying to get it too cool down faster. Link frowned at his evasion, but couldn’t do anything about it as another customer arrived. They were never very busy at this time in the morning. It was early and the town was rather small anyways. Nevertheless, it was a bit difficult to have this conversation when someone would walk in every few minutes.

            During a lull, Allen grabbed another cinnamon roll. It was still warm, but didn’t burn his tongue like the last one. He ate slowly, but messily letting the cinnamon and icing get on his hands and face. Link eyed him and sighed. Grabbing a kitchen towel, he took Allen’s messy hand and began cleaning it.

            “You can’t avoid this, Allen. This isn’t something you can push into the shadows and hope that she doesn’t notice.” Link pulled at Allen’s pale fingers with the towel, getting most of the sugary substance off his hands. The man’s silver eye avoided him, looking petulant and childish in the moment. “Allen.” He repeated the name, touching pulling his face to look at him. Thick silver lashes flicked down for a moment, before Allen actually looked Link in the eye, God, Allen was beautiful.

            “I know, but--” The door opened and Link jumped back to an acceptable distance from Allen. “We have customers.” He smiled emptily and turned back towards the counter to greet the customers. This conversation was far from over, but as far as Allen was concerned, he could continue to dodge it until he didn’t have to.

**Author's Note:**

> So in my head, everyone has aged during the series so for this, when the Heart awoken Lena was 21 and when she left to find the guys she’s 22. I’ll go over everyone else’s age as they appear.


End file.
